I was cleaning out my Scentsy room the other day, and came across buried under some of my books a journal I started when I had the twins. Of course the cleaning stopped and I sat down to read some of the entries. I have not shared a lot of my thoughts with the twins but I thought I would share a particular entry as it reminded me so much why I love being a mother.
June 25, 2010
Adam is away to Moncton in charge of a bachelor party. Greg and Karen are getting married in about one month. Oh how fondly I remember my wedding. Though it was not a perfect wedding, it was the day I married the man perfect for me.
Today I am overwhelmed with the love I have for my family. I still struggle with attachment with my stepdaughter Jazzy, but I am hopeful it will come.
I look at Ruby and Charlotte and if I ask for a hug or kiss they will walk (yes girls you have started walking this past week and it is so cute. Not just trying to walk, but rather walking everywhere) over and give me a big hug and kiss. They are so affectionate and I am so easily affectionate toward them. I was scared of that. I was scared because I have a hard time letting people it, letting myself be loved and I was scared I would be the same way with my own precious children.
Tears run down my cheeks right now thinking how very blessed we were in how healthy and happy our little miracles are. How one tiny little thing could have changed the outcome. My heart aches for other moms of MoMo twins who had to endure the loss of one or both knowing there was nothing they could have done. I look at my two beautiful little angels and it pains me to think of one of them not being with us, or only one of them surviving the NICU or how different my life would be. Even on days where I a stretched so thin that I think I might snap in two, it is worth it because it is real, it is all happening, is is all beautiful and it is all my life.
Although I find little pleasure or joy in putting Charlotte back in her wagon screaming because we have to leave the playground, having her curl into my arms later on at home and hug me while saying her own version of "mama" erases and part of her tantrums. Our sweet mostly gentle Ruby who just looks at Charlotte and then to me as if to ask "What is her problem" makes me wonder if it is any indication of the future personalities we will enjoy.
Ruby you give the best kisses and make the cutest "pig" sounds and you melt my heart even more with your kind eyes and warm snuggles. Charlotte my little trouble maker already I love your own word for book which sounds like duck-a-duck. I love how much you love having us read you a story, and I am in awe of your strong spirit and determination already.
You girls and your father are the reason I breathe, you are my air and my light and I love you and though I look forward to when you can communicate what you want easier, please stop growing up so fast because Mommy loves her little girls.