UPDATE ON MY HEART AND MIND

People have been asking me how things are going in our families journey in the transgender world, but also my heart.  Here is how my heart and soul are feeling lately.  

For what has felt like a long time I lost myself to the notion of just keeping my head above water.
I felt so weighed down by the life that someone else handed to me that I could barely keep afloat.  What I failed to realize is that what I really needed to do was to let go.   Let go of it all.  I was terrified to do so.  Would I sink to the bottom from the heaviness of the emotions I failed to fully understand?  Would I sink under the weight of lack of understanding and confusion?  Would I come up for just enough breath to keep my strength up to tread the figurative water just a little longer?  I was so terrified of what I didn't know that I forgot to trust myself for all the things I already knew.  So I let go and prayed that I would find my way out of the swirling waters of my current situation.  

After letting go finding a starting place was hard. I felt like I was in the middle of most everything, and the one thing I’ve learned about the middle is it is messy. Not really a bad messy, but more the kind of messy you are trying to make sense out of. The kind when you go through a box of old photographs. You feel slightly overwhelmed by the volume of life represented, but find beautiful moments to remember along the way. I was most definitely in the middle.

For what feels like a long time I lost myself to my new role of being the woman whose husband became transgender.  But day by day now I’m in a place of discovering. It’s less an unearthing of what was, and more an acceptance of what and who I am and hope of what will be. 

I am really a lot stronger than I thought I was. (I’m also more like my mom than I ever knew I’d be but that in itself is a whole other topic) I am most certainly not as book smart as I know I used to be, but I’m definitely more heart smart. Is that even a thing? Perhaps we could all use, and be a little more heart smart.

The way we feel I have discovered matters less than the way we live. Feelings are not always reliable as our minds are stronger than we realize for positive and negative, so I’m learning to stand on truth more than the evolution of feelings. There is only one truth and it’s really the thing that matters most. I’ve always known it, but I’m learning to live like I believe it. 

I have accepted that whatever is coming, whatever was, whatever came in-between. It’s okay because this isn’t my ending.  So I keep living.  Even in the sometimes uncomfortable middle.  I cherish the moments that bring me joy and make me laugh.  I learn to be present in moments that bring me sadness and ugly cries.  I now look forward to the moments that come and I hope with a blinding deepness that in all of it there will be continued love.  Love in the little things I do for my family... Love in the groceries and laundry.  Love in the moments I spend curled up with the twins watching in amazement the way they navigate a confusing life that they didn't ask for.  Love in the words I try to convey from my heart.  Love of self and love of others.  Learning to let go of the hardness which life has handed me.  Learning to soften into the touches of a man who I need to allow love me.  I deserve to be loved and he is in front of me wanting to love me.  
Allow him.
Trust him.  
So keep living and learning, even in the messy middle!  ​